Monday, October 03, 2005

On the virtues of kissing men with beards

"I hate facial hair.
Like for real."

- Me, my whole life


Ok. So that quote is more of a paraphrase. But, ask any friend worth their salt and they will tell you that indeed, for most of my adult and pre-adult life I have been terribly disposed against those growing follicle gardens in the region of their eyes, nose and mouth. I railed on significant others who felt it acceptable to leave their chins untended for any period of time, bemoaned the pains I endured when shaving was missed with any regularity. I'm not sure where I picked it up, but for most of my dating history I have been weirdly selective towards men with the faces of new born babes.

There were other preferences, all of varying degrees and strengths. I broke and re-applied these general tendencies as my dates came and went. And while a few of the hardcore personality dealbreakers stayed (liberals only need apply, smokers will not be accepted) almost all of my more superficial dating "rules" began to fall like so many dominos. Tall was clearly a draw but not, it appeared, a necessity. Ditto for "bookish" boys with wire rim glasses and skinny-minny frames. The strong features, especially noses, and that paler than average skin often made its appearance but was not in fact found in all cases. I seemed to be willing to expand my horizons. Except for the facial hair thing. It wouldn't budge. I was approached and I rebuffed. I encountered and I turned tail and ran. Unlike all the other little peculiarities I'd managed to surmount, I just couldn't seem to get past this one.

Beards and mustaches always struck me as sort of odd and other-worldly. On the one hand I maintain that for a long time they reminded me of paternal figures. My dad and most of his brothers have always had facial hair. I guess I associate it with a father/uncle kind of vibe. Nice perhaps but not what you want when you want to get in the mood. Like my dad's aftershave and his Old Spice deodorant, beards and 'staches were something belonging to an older time period, an earlier simpler era. When I pictured full beards I thought ragtime music and the man on the Monopoly box. Then in the early teen years, things swung entirely the other way. No longer friendly and asexual, boys growing in hair on their chins tended to look Darwinianly pathetic in their overly eager attempts to come off macho or downright scary with such an "adult" feature at such a young age. Maybe because I instinctively associated it with secondary sexual characteristics in those of my peer level, and being a bit of a introverted bookworm, I decided to steer clear. Not to mention that most contemporary styles of beards look seriously silly.

The chin is not a topiary people. At least it's not for me. I'm just not into the poodle look.

That said, once you reach a certain age, there's a fair number of guys who aren't giant and intimidating or sporting strange bonsai creations on their faces. Even if you weed out the dreadlocked hippies, who I rule against more on issues of possible cleanliness (or rather lack thereof, patchouli doesn't equal a shower no matter how much you use), it's hard to deny that there are a moderate number of normal, interesting, and cool people that just happen to have hair on their faces. But for whatever reason, I simply never went out with them.

"Hey Adrienne," says my more acute reader, "I notice a whole lot of past tense there in those sentences, have the tables turned? Are you eating your words? Have you finally embraced beards with the ardor of a Celine Dion fan in line for the 37th time to get tickets to her Vegas show and scream My Heart Will Go On at the top of your lungs, because for the love of God that's one catchy tune?!?!?"

To which I reply: Uh... Woah. Simmer down there. I don't think I've ever loved anything quite that much. Except maybe my bed. But we see where that gets me.

What I'm saying is that, perhaps, just perhaps, it's possible that while I don't really like beards as a general rule, I'm coming round to one that is bearded in the singular sense of the word. I don't think I'm ever going to enjoy David Duchovny's mustached grin over his more clean shaven days. Because really, Dave, that thing looks silly. Perhaps it's not so much that our personal preferences can't be overcome, simply that sometimes you find a person embodying so many of the others, that a particular one falls off the radar. And maybe, when that happens, you can even find the validity in kissing guys with beards.

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Anonymous contrarian chick said...

Kissing a man without face hair is like eating a sugar cookie with no sugar.

Or like kissing a woman.
Or like kissing a mannequin.
Or an earthworm.

Stubble is the best, it's one of the four basic food groups. WOW!!! Check out the study done in London showing that....women are drawn to stubble. It says he is a MAN, not a boy. It tastes great, feels great and looks soooooo great: George Clooney is 10x hotter with stubble. Jeff Bridges? Oh oh.....even Pattinson! Shaved faces: YUCK and triple yuck!

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