Sleepscape

I had the weirdest dream last night.

I haven't sat down to write about it until now and so a lot of the details in it have been lost into that strange between awake and dreaming land that seems to soak up particulars, generally leaving only vague remembrances of feelings from my nighttime adventures. At least, that's how it is with me.

In any event, this dream was sort of strange in its banal action. Strange because despite being a relatively average dream it has left me in a strange state of philosophical pondering. Maybe that's the idea. Before we proceed here's the general idea:

The dream starts in a restaurant of sorts. It's pretty vague but I get the sense I've just eaten a meal, or at the very least I feel, if not full, satisfied. I realize that I've just agreed to get married to someone. I stop to think about this and register a sensation that is again, if not overjoyed, certainly contended about the decision. I have a vague sense of my betrothed towards the positive but, and this is generally true throughout the dream, I don't really have any specific idea about him other than that. It's one of those strange dream paradoxes in which I at the same time feel as though I have a very specific and real relationship to them but also have no actual memory of their company throughout the wedding process.

So long story short, suddenly, I am married and sitting in a room at the reception. Things have gone well and I am content and surrounded by family and friends. We are eating, chatting and warmly congratulating me on my nuptials. The guy of course is coincidentally absent from the scene but I get the general sense he'll be back in a bit. The people I am with by contrast are all very real and very specific. They are a strange gathering of those that I know, some friends, some grade school acquaintances, teachers and an ex boyfriend with whom I no longer speak. Strangely, we're all quite at ease with each other, bantering back and forth and talking about the future and past.

I realize in a sort of off-hand way that I've forgotten to invite my parents to this event. In the dream it wasn't a malicious action, I just genuinely got caught up in festivities and planning. There was simply so much to do that I just plum forgot. As I mull this over I realize that I will probably be chastised heavily by my mother for her lack of inclusion. I wonder if there is a way to re-perform the wedding without her realizing what has happened. Then I remember that she has in fact never met my husband. In fact, as I look around the room, I note that few of the people sitting, all of whom I know and feel deeply about, have any connection to my husband at all. None of his party seem to have made it to the wedding.

I stop for a moment and sit back while the crowd drones on. I am a little unnerved by this fact. Here is a person I have brought into my life forever and I don't have much idea about him myself. And as I muse I realize that despite his disconnectedness to my life, I know I like him enough. I know that things will be fine enough. I know that I have made a good enough choice and that it will have to do. And I'm pretty much ok with that.

Soon after I rejoin the group, man still conspicuously absent, I am asked by a mentor with whom I still keep in contact how I feel. I answer truthfully that I'm relieved mostly, happy to be married and ready to embark on this new chapter in my life. A friend, Brad (the one who bought me my throwing knives I remember) asks me about the guy, what made me choose him after being so judicious for so long. My reply?

"It was time."

And that's when I woke up. It's important to note a general issue of tone. This dream unlike other dreams I've had that revolved around similar themes wasn't romantic and giggly the way a lighter comedy portrays such an event. I've had those romantic themed dreams and the ones I remember are some of my favorites. There's one in which it's night and I'm riding in the back of a car with my high school crush Alan Lewis (he played Jesus in Godspell, be still my beating heart) and we are both looking ahead at the road. I don't have any idea who's driving the car, but it doesn't really make a difference and for our purposes they are only vaguely paying attention to us in the back, enough so that we must be quiet and not betray our feelings overtly, but distant enough that they aren't watching like a hawk. In any event we are sitting in a comfortable silence listening to the sounds of the nighttime road around us and at some point Alan reaches over and gently takes my hand in his. We sit, still silent, and continue riding. Riding and holding hands. It is the most intense romantic sensation I've ever felt.

All of the above is inserted to illustrate a contrast. In that dream the most simple boring of acts is transformed into the most life altering of emotions. On the other hand, in my dream from last night, under the most extreme of romancey situations I wasn't picking out dresses and cakes and I didn't imagine bridesmaids and party plans. I wasn't daydreaming about the exciting particulars of the event and reveling in the "nowness" of what I was doing. I can't even form a mental picture of the groom. The event really felt as though it was happening around me and I was simply a passive, if willing, participant. This idea of it "being time" really rang true throughout. The timing for what was happening to me was simply right and I accepted it as such.

Rarely in actual life do we get pure emotions. Unadulterated sad, uncomplicated joy, unsullied rage are in their own way very precious. They are usually doled out with care and precision. In fact, their sustained presence seems to wear them away. They're nice, if intense, precisely because they tend to narrow the focus of life down to a pinpoint, a small peephole. And with most extremes, it takes a lot of effort to stay balanced on that pinprick. We usually slide back down at some point or another. And so in dreaming I often find I get a chance to live in those extremes both good and bad for a little while and take that feeling out into the world with me the next morning and use it to gain a little perspective on the life that surrounds me.

Life recently though has been a bit hectic. I've been busy (no posting excuse) with work and a performance that I'm managing and 6:30am to 9:30pm work days have become somewhat of a regular occurrence. It seems I've been running myself ragged enough to jolt a lot of feelings into high gear. And so it would seem that my subconscious decided it needed a bit of a break. Hence the, it's going to work out, nevermind the particulars, attitude. And I can appreciate that sensibility. Despite its lack of passion I actually woke up from this dream with a great sense of relief and calm. How nice it would be to have that whole marriage chapter started, at least know who I was going to be tackling those big life problems with, gear myself up, strategize now that I know who my teammate is. In the dream I breathed a big sigh of relief with the thought of, "Yeah. It's done. It may not be perfect but here it is."

For all the calm inducing bliss though, I'm glad to let my dream stay hidden in my brain. Glad, however much more nerve wracking the current situation may be, to still have a lot of things left unresolved. I'm sure that relief will return when I finally synch the waking state with my nightvisions and it's good to get a sense of how much one can adapt to their life however it may pan out. Right now though, I'm happier to live a little closer to the extreme, dare I say walk a little farther along the path of my aspirations, aka my waking dreams, and let my sleeping self reign me back in for fear of the emotion-inducing consequences.