Con Sorpresa!!!
Maybe God was angry at me because of my last post.
In any event, I have been struck down with intestinal disease. Or stomach disease. I don't really know the specifics. I'd research but every 15 minutes I have to go empty the contents of my insides out so I can't really concentrate all that well. As such this post probably won't be very long. And if there are more errors than usual, well, I think you readers can be a little more understanding with me today because basically, I am so sick it isn't even funny.
I'm not sure where it came from. At this point I'm on the mend so it doesn't really matter as long as it goes away. Those who know me should be glad I've been so busy that I've become a bit of a recluse as of late given that I've saved them from potentially being exposed to the demon virus which has bequeathed the extreme evils of nausea that I have been wracked with. I made the mistake of trying to do "breakfast", aka a piece of plain toast and watery tea, this morning and have been paying for my sins ever since. Suffice to say it is seriously impressive that I have managed to sit upright for the past 15 minutes to try and write things.
I don't like being forced into the state of invalid. Have you ever noticed invalid is literally in-valid. Not valid. Sickness has caused me to become a human who is invalid to the world. I can't do anything. I simply just have to sit in my room with myself and work on keeping down my meager rations. It isn't exactly what I'd call fufilling my life ambitions. But, having been afforded (forced into) the luxury of confinement to my bed, where my inner ear has decided that even reading for any stretch of time is not allowed, I have had a lot of time to listen to music, and watch movies, and think about myself. In short activities I don't tend to allow myself to do often.
It's true I put music or the TV on in the background often. I like the noise in an empty room, somehow unless I really have to get nose to the grindstone the ambient sound strangely focuses my brain, as if the effort of keeping it out rallys together the rest of the troops. There are songs I like and know so well that the actual listening has sort of become unnecessary, the music and lyrics play out in my head before the literal song gets there. And stopping to think about where I am and what I'm doing is not usually an all day activity. I might do so here at the computer, but then it's confined to trying to fit my thoughts into a complete essay format. And as you fair readers might have noticed, now that the speed of life has picked up a bit, we seem to post on a weekly rather than daily basis.
Today however was a different story. For short stretches I could email, but again, it's monday and real people have jobs and stuff. The naseau kicked in a headache so loud noises were out, meaning phones were a necessity-only activity as well. So basically between trips to the porceline throne to purge my insides I really just had to sit and think. And heaving one's guts out on a semi-regular basis certainly puts a person in a peculiar state of mind. At first I had the standard "woe is me, why is the world out to get me" kind of feeling which sort of spiraled into a "re-examination of my current state of things is depressing" pity party. My soundtrack of the moment was fittingly a series of morose music by angsty women about my age. I know it was on shuffle so the coincidence that itunes stubbornly refused to seque into a lighter key is more than a little alarming.
I came in and out of sleep for most of the day and managed to shake the depress-fest feeling in the afternoon. At that point my inability to sit still had reached a fervor so I started imagining things that I wanted to do, both short term and long term, in life. And I have to say that it's a game I ought to play more often. I realize that rarely do people take the time to sit down and visualize what they want or where they want to go. It is indeed a little scary, as the morning's activities show, to be alone with one's own brain. Probably why I keep the low level noise on all the time. Or why I can fall into a spider solitare trance if I sit down at the computer without a specified purpose. But on the same token, as I sat and thought I realized there was a lot of brush and clutter floating around in my head.
There were all these ideas and dreams that were getting dusty, all these values and plans that I had made that were getting shoved to the side so that "Carton of eggs, call the painter, Power Flex class at 5:30 wednesday" could take prominant view. And today I took the time to dust them all off and check to see if they were still in working order. It was nice to clean up the ones that I intended to keep and put them back on the shelf shiny and clean. It was also a little tough to realize that others I'd been vaguely holding onto like that pair of jeans I fit in that one year in high school I got really thin weren't terribly useful any more. I've changed too much to really use those ideas any more even if they did comprise part of my self identification at one point.
Which is not to say that I've now 100 percent revamped my plans, they are pretty much the same to be honest, but I think that what I've done is checked the foundations for the house I'm trying to build and cut down some of the tangle weeds I'd been meaning to get to. Perhaps the unexamined life is indeed not worth living. And while I have no plans to get sick again any time soon and now feeling ok, I'm mildly thankful that someone or something made me slow down for a little bit to do so. Which I guess means that maybe God wasn't mad at me after all.
Still, I think I'll stay away from the blasphemy for a while...
In any event, I have been struck down with intestinal disease. Or stomach disease. I don't really know the specifics. I'd research but every 15 minutes I have to go empty the contents of my insides out so I can't really concentrate all that well. As such this post probably won't be very long. And if there are more errors than usual, well, I think you readers can be a little more understanding with me today because basically, I am so sick it isn't even funny.
I'm not sure where it came from. At this point I'm on the mend so it doesn't really matter as long as it goes away. Those who know me should be glad I've been so busy that I've become a bit of a recluse as of late given that I've saved them from potentially being exposed to the demon virus which has bequeathed the extreme evils of nausea that I have been wracked with. I made the mistake of trying to do "breakfast", aka a piece of plain toast and watery tea, this morning and have been paying for my sins ever since. Suffice to say it is seriously impressive that I have managed to sit upright for the past 15 minutes to try and write things.
I don't like being forced into the state of invalid. Have you ever noticed invalid is literally in-valid. Not valid. Sickness has caused me to become a human who is invalid to the world. I can't do anything. I simply just have to sit in my room with myself and work on keeping down my meager rations. It isn't exactly what I'd call fufilling my life ambitions. But, having been afforded (forced into) the luxury of confinement to my bed, where my inner ear has decided that even reading for any stretch of time is not allowed, I have had a lot of time to listen to music, and watch movies, and think about myself. In short activities I don't tend to allow myself to do often.
It's true I put music or the TV on in the background often. I like the noise in an empty room, somehow unless I really have to get nose to the grindstone the ambient sound strangely focuses my brain, as if the effort of keeping it out rallys together the rest of the troops. There are songs I like and know so well that the actual listening has sort of become unnecessary, the music and lyrics play out in my head before the literal song gets there. And stopping to think about where I am and what I'm doing is not usually an all day activity. I might do so here at the computer, but then it's confined to trying to fit my thoughts into a complete essay format. And as you fair readers might have noticed, now that the speed of life has picked up a bit, we seem to post on a weekly rather than daily basis.
Today however was a different story. For short stretches I could email, but again, it's monday and real people have jobs and stuff. The naseau kicked in a headache so loud noises were out, meaning phones were a necessity-only activity as well. So basically between trips to the porceline throne to purge my insides I really just had to sit and think. And heaving one's guts out on a semi-regular basis certainly puts a person in a peculiar state of mind. At first I had the standard "woe is me, why is the world out to get me" kind of feeling which sort of spiraled into a "re-examination of my current state of things is depressing" pity party. My soundtrack of the moment was fittingly a series of morose music by angsty women about my age. I know it was on shuffle so the coincidence that itunes stubbornly refused to seque into a lighter key is more than a little alarming.
I came in and out of sleep for most of the day and managed to shake the depress-fest feeling in the afternoon. At that point my inability to sit still had reached a fervor so I started imagining things that I wanted to do, both short term and long term, in life. And I have to say that it's a game I ought to play more often. I realize that rarely do people take the time to sit down and visualize what they want or where they want to go. It is indeed a little scary, as the morning's activities show, to be alone with one's own brain. Probably why I keep the low level noise on all the time. Or why I can fall into a spider solitare trance if I sit down at the computer without a specified purpose. But on the same token, as I sat and thought I realized there was a lot of brush and clutter floating around in my head.
There were all these ideas and dreams that were getting dusty, all these values and plans that I had made that were getting shoved to the side so that "Carton of eggs, call the painter, Power Flex class at 5:30 wednesday" could take prominant view. And today I took the time to dust them all off and check to see if they were still in working order. It was nice to clean up the ones that I intended to keep and put them back on the shelf shiny and clean. It was also a little tough to realize that others I'd been vaguely holding onto like that pair of jeans I fit in that one year in high school I got really thin weren't terribly useful any more. I've changed too much to really use those ideas any more even if they did comprise part of my self identification at one point.
Which is not to say that I've now 100 percent revamped my plans, they are pretty much the same to be honest, but I think that what I've done is checked the foundations for the house I'm trying to build and cut down some of the tangle weeds I'd been meaning to get to. Perhaps the unexamined life is indeed not worth living. And while I have no plans to get sick again any time soon and now feeling ok, I'm mildly thankful that someone or something made me slow down for a little bit to do so. Which I guess means that maybe God wasn't mad at me after all.
Still, I think I'll stay away from the blasphemy for a while...
posted by A at 9:57 PM
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