Expecting...
Nope. Not like that. There will be no additions to the family line quite yet.
I'm talking instead about the way that we as people set ourselves up, how we plant our hopes and dreams in neat little rows to guesstimate and surmise at the future, the way we draw out our plans in pencil (or pen) for them to inevitably be compared to the actual outcome.
What is expectation? Does it work on us or do we work on it? There are things I wish and want from life for sure but is it my expectation of these things that make them come to pass or have my previous acheivements on the path towards these goals set up the expectation? A combination of the two? For your meal this evening will you be having the chicken or the eggs ma'am?
I'm a dreamer. A sarcastic and cynical one, but a dreamer none the less. And my dreams tend to be big. I have high expectations for myself and do everything I can to make them come to pass. I get angry when I can't get what I imagined I might. Really mad. Really really mad. There is no sense of frustration so great for me as the one that comes from not being able to do what I set out to. And though I beat myself up for not getting what I expect, I keep setting the bar up over and over, having to believe that at some point I'll scale it with ease.
And while it's frustrating not to meet expectations for myself, perfectionistic tendencies being what they are, I can more often than not get pretty close. I can usually find a way, however harrowing the process, to make things I said I'd do come to pass. Where the real rub comes in is with people who aren't me. Because while I know that not everyone holds themselves to the same expectations I might have, it doesn't mean I still don't expect them to.
When I meet a person, pretty much regardless of context I almost without thinking set up certain expectations of how our relating to one and another will play out. I'm doing it all the time and even when I don't want to I can't help thoughts that start running through my head. A new friend is already being weighed to see if when we're 80, we might still stand the sight of each other. A first date becomes a gallery of images from moving in to marriage to children. A new artistic acquaintance becomes a lifelong partner in creation. And it isn't even like I really think these things will happen. But in a weird way letting those thoughts in makes them just a tiny bit real. And these expectations start so early that they get molded around simple and not terribly realistic versions of the truth. And while they do change as the knowledge of the person changes, I wish I didn't have them in the first place. I wish I didn't have expectations until I really expect they will come to pass.
Let's take a dictionary break:
to ex·pect (verb)
1) To look forward to the probable occurrence or appearance of, as in "He is expecting a telephone call" or To consider likely or certain: "She expects to see them soon."
2) To consider reasonable or due: We expect an apology.
3) To consider obligatory; require: The school expects its pupils to be on time.
Let's take the above piece by piece and see what happens when the expectation is lost... 1) If one looks forward to a thing that does not come to pass, he never gets his phone call, she does not see them soon, probable or no, we're bound to feel bad. We thought it would occur or appear for us to take note of and it just didn't. 2) We felt owed something and it did not come to us. The expected did not give us our due. 3) We require something and that obligation is left unfufilled. In this case, either we must change our requirement to deal with this disjunct or we remove the thing that has failed entirely.
And if the above tells us anything it is perhaps that the problem with expectations of other people is that they only seem to reflect back on oneself. Because usually the only outcomes of an expectation are 1) that the person will acheive it as you've already conceived them to or 2) they fail. Which means that to expect something from someone is to either ask them to bend to what you wish them to or to be disappointed in them, to force them into hurting you. In this way an expectation is an implicit question, a plea, a cry to be faithful to the expector and one that presumes to get an answer without ever doing the asking. Whether stated or silent, expecting something from someone sets up a constant win or lose scenario for your encounters with them.
Which brings me to a last definition I've saved until now:
4) Informal. To suppose.
While the other definitions of expectation make me a little nervous, this one seems softer around the edges, no? To suppose. To pose superly. Sup from the Latin supra meaning above and pose meaning to put forth, to ask, to question. To question above... As if expecting in this way means one is carrying on with life down here on earth while the expecation hovers overhead, watching and waiting, informally if you will. And I think this kind of expectation is ok in my book. And I'm trying every day to get the expectations that come from numbers 1 - 3 above, pull them out of the pit of my stomach, the lump in my throat, the stress spots in my back and tie them to that balloon of number 4. Take out all that formality that twists me up in knots and just let the expectation float. Let it stand aside while I go about my business. Hopefully, it will be there if I need it, and if I don't it might just have to head elsewhere.
I'm talking instead about the way that we as people set ourselves up, how we plant our hopes and dreams in neat little rows to guesstimate and surmise at the future, the way we draw out our plans in pencil (or pen) for them to inevitably be compared to the actual outcome.
What is expectation? Does it work on us or do we work on it? There are things I wish and want from life for sure but is it my expectation of these things that make them come to pass or have my previous acheivements on the path towards these goals set up the expectation? A combination of the two? For your meal this evening will you be having the chicken or the eggs ma'am?
I'm a dreamer. A sarcastic and cynical one, but a dreamer none the less. And my dreams tend to be big. I have high expectations for myself and do everything I can to make them come to pass. I get angry when I can't get what I imagined I might. Really mad. Really really mad. There is no sense of frustration so great for me as the one that comes from not being able to do what I set out to. And though I beat myself up for not getting what I expect, I keep setting the bar up over and over, having to believe that at some point I'll scale it with ease.
And while it's frustrating not to meet expectations for myself, perfectionistic tendencies being what they are, I can more often than not get pretty close. I can usually find a way, however harrowing the process, to make things I said I'd do come to pass. Where the real rub comes in is with people who aren't me. Because while I know that not everyone holds themselves to the same expectations I might have, it doesn't mean I still don't expect them to.
When I meet a person, pretty much regardless of context I almost without thinking set up certain expectations of how our relating to one and another will play out. I'm doing it all the time and even when I don't want to I can't help thoughts that start running through my head. A new friend is already being weighed to see if when we're 80, we might still stand the sight of each other. A first date becomes a gallery of images from moving in to marriage to children. A new artistic acquaintance becomes a lifelong partner in creation. And it isn't even like I really think these things will happen. But in a weird way letting those thoughts in makes them just a tiny bit real. And these expectations start so early that they get molded around simple and not terribly realistic versions of the truth. And while they do change as the knowledge of the person changes, I wish I didn't have them in the first place. I wish I didn't have expectations until I really expect they will come to pass.
Let's take a dictionary break:
to ex·pect (verb)
1) To look forward to the probable occurrence or appearance of, as in "He is expecting a telephone call" or To consider likely or certain: "She expects to see them soon."
2) To consider reasonable or due: We expect an apology.
3) To consider obligatory; require: The school expects its pupils to be on time.
Let's take the above piece by piece and see what happens when the expectation is lost... 1) If one looks forward to a thing that does not come to pass, he never gets his phone call, she does not see them soon, probable or no, we're bound to feel bad. We thought it would occur or appear for us to take note of and it just didn't. 2) We felt owed something and it did not come to us. The expected did not give us our due. 3) We require something and that obligation is left unfufilled. In this case, either we must change our requirement to deal with this disjunct or we remove the thing that has failed entirely.
And if the above tells us anything it is perhaps that the problem with expectations of other people is that they only seem to reflect back on oneself. Because usually the only outcomes of an expectation are 1) that the person will acheive it as you've already conceived them to or 2) they fail. Which means that to expect something from someone is to either ask them to bend to what you wish them to or to be disappointed in them, to force them into hurting you. In this way an expectation is an implicit question, a plea, a cry to be faithful to the expector and one that presumes to get an answer without ever doing the asking. Whether stated or silent, expecting something from someone sets up a constant win or lose scenario for your encounters with them.
Which brings me to a last definition I've saved until now:
4) Informal. To suppose.
While the other definitions of expectation make me a little nervous, this one seems softer around the edges, no? To suppose. To pose superly. Sup from the Latin supra meaning above and pose meaning to put forth, to ask, to question. To question above... As if expecting in this way means one is carrying on with life down here on earth while the expecation hovers overhead, watching and waiting, informally if you will. And I think this kind of expectation is ok in my book. And I'm trying every day to get the expectations that come from numbers 1 - 3 above, pull them out of the pit of my stomach, the lump in my throat, the stress spots in my back and tie them to that balloon of number 4. Take out all that formality that twists me up in knots and just let the expectation float. Let it stand aside while I go about my business. Hopefully, it will be there if I need it, and if I don't it might just have to head elsewhere.
posted by A at 5:14 PM
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