Baby's First Mesh Tank Top

What possesses a person to leave a danish on top of an ATM?

Until about 24 hours ago this is a question I might well have never pondered. But there I was at work walking out of a stockroom when I passed by the ATM in the lobby only to find a danish nestling amongst the keys 6 though 9. That there was a garbage can only feet away in plain view only added insult to the standing injury. Because really, even if you didn't see a trash can in your immediate vicinity, why on earth would one ever leave a danish on a public money dispensing apparatus?

I've come to realize in the past couple days that a lot of people in the world are rude and stupid. Generally, they aren't the people near and dear to you but the people you randomly meet day to day that make the world a little more miserable. Because though your loved ones every once in a while get rude and stupid, you've got to admit so do you. In other words, if they're being rude and stupid towards you and not the world in general, there's probably more at work there. What I'm talking about is different. I'm talking about the people who for no seeming reason make the world suck a little more for you with minimal to no gain for themselves.

Take the Accordion Man. He plays his loathed instrument in front of my store on a biweekly basis and he is without a doubt one of the creepier people in the world. At first I passed him off as one of the older men who flirt shamelessly and inappropriately with me while I try to earn a meager living. This is general Italian Market fare and while I don't always love the unlwelcome attention, it's always dealable. But, Accordion Man has taken eww factor to a whole new level. A couple months ago I forgot my glasses and was forced to go to work without my normal eyewear. This prompted the gem, "Wow. When you wore your glasses you were a girl. But now, you are a woman." I made some noise that didn't even resemble a sensical word and walked away. The next day and from then on I've made sure to wear the protective lenses at all times.

Sadly, though boys may not agree, it appears overage men without real jobs will still make passes at girls who wear glasses. Last week I was in the back making cannolis. Specifically I was squeezing the filling into the little shells when he walked in the back. Trapped with the pastry bag mid squeeze I couldn't just walk out of the room so I tried to just go about my business of ignoring him. To no avail. "Hey you were a chemistry major right? Well... That's kind of like chemistry... Because you mix things. And then squeeze them. You have to do it the same every time. It's a science. Precise. Can't let anything get out of control. Like making love."

Holy cannoli shell Batman!

That was when I fully understood we've got a pervert on our hands. Not to mention that I would hope making love is the opposite of my cannolis. The same every time? Can't get out of control? Maybe when your partner is handcuffed and gagged against their will and you're afraid if you get to excited they might get loose and call the cops. What I really wonder is in what way, in what parallel universe would his advances work out for him? Even in the most extreme of all best of all possible worlds is it thinkable that his propositions elicit anything but not so quiet contempt? "Oh my gosh! I am a woman now. I never knew... Thank you for your kind words about sex and Italian pastry. Shall we try to see if your lovemaking skills are up to par with my ability to squirt ricotta filling from a bag?" I mean, come on.

Coincidentally that same day as I was walking home I was solicited by a man sitting on a stoop behind a fruit stand. I was on the phone at the time and he felt that repeating my conversation with sexual overtones was a good first step towards a long lasting relationship. Finally I turned to see him holding the hand of a small child, one he presumably didn't birth himself, who was wearing a teeny tiny mesh wife beater. The child who was about 4 or 5 grunted at me lewdly as well and turned around in a faux moon to reveal the inscription on his pants: Suck It! How cute.

Which brings me back to the danish man. Who would be so dumb? Danish man proves that stupidity is not limited specifically to sexual innuendo where at least you can recognize the driving force. It just shows there are stupid people doing stupid things all the time. They do so because they are singly track minded and the track playing over and over in their heads happens to be "Me. Me. Me. Me. Me." Which is why despite the tiny iota of effort it would take to restrain themselves, they ruin the world around them. They are bad, these people. The people who throw hissy fits over nothing in public places. The woman I saw yesterday who stepped on a guy's heel so that when he recoiled in pain her kid could dash past him to the head of a line. They guy taunting the homeless man in Rittenhouse Square. They do things like this all the time and have no one to hold them culpable. And why do they want to make my life harder by placing their baked goods in a place that will obviously do others harm. Why not just eat the pastry or even just set it on the ground?

Some mysteries were never meant to be solved. But know that I know you're out there. And I'm watching for you Danish Man. And I will find you if you ever try and place a danish on my ATM again.

And then, oh sweet revenge, and then, you'll pay.