fantastic and ornamental
I am currently being paid to act in a production of Midsummer Night's Dream. I play Helena, the tall one with the long blonde hair. I have been rehearsing this part of for a month now and we officially will open the show for public viewing in less than a week.
Here's the thing you can't tell anyone: I'm not a real actor. It's true.
Don't get me wrong, I like theater a lot. Some day I would like to direct things for a living. But, despite popular belief, I'm not an actor. Actors do things like cry on command or eat healthfully because they care about their appearance. They also talk about things like agents and auditions, things I have no experience with. They speak a foreign language of cheer and goodwill when referencing other plays they've been in, other characters they've taken on. And finally and most importantly, they all have headshots. Because in the weird world of putting yourself in front of people for entertainment purposes it doesn't count as narcissistic to have a stack of 8 x 10 glossy photos of oneself on hand at all times.
Up until a few days ago I'd done a pretty good job of pretending to be an actor. No one had to know I'd never been to an audition. I blended in among the rest, taking part in the strange warm up rituals. At times I even felt like one amongst them. But there's an evil tradition at most theaters. One that requires you to put your picture on the wall so the consumer of the show can take a look at what they've just paid for before they see it.
Which sucks because, not being a real actor, I don't own head shots. So the theater manager was nice enough to just say, "Oh well, then just bring an 8 by 10 photo of yourself that looks like a headshot." Umm, right. I being a person who abhors being photographed as a general rule of course have an extensive number of oversized photos of JUST ME in black and white. Nice enough to be suitable for public display. With a border. And my name at the bottom.
I lost three hours of my life yesterday and am now twenty dollars poorer and the picture barely passes.
I repeat: I am not an actor.
Here's the thing you can't tell anyone: I'm not a real actor. It's true.
Don't get me wrong, I like theater a lot. Some day I would like to direct things for a living. But, despite popular belief, I'm not an actor. Actors do things like cry on command or eat healthfully because they care about their appearance. They also talk about things like agents and auditions, things I have no experience with. They speak a foreign language of cheer and goodwill when referencing other plays they've been in, other characters they've taken on. And finally and most importantly, they all have headshots. Because in the weird world of putting yourself in front of people for entertainment purposes it doesn't count as narcissistic to have a stack of 8 x 10 glossy photos of oneself on hand at all times.
Up until a few days ago I'd done a pretty good job of pretending to be an actor. No one had to know I'd never been to an audition. I blended in among the rest, taking part in the strange warm up rituals. At times I even felt like one amongst them. But there's an evil tradition at most theaters. One that requires you to put your picture on the wall so the consumer of the show can take a look at what they've just paid for before they see it.
Which sucks because, not being a real actor, I don't own head shots. So the theater manager was nice enough to just say, "Oh well, then just bring an 8 by 10 photo of yourself that looks like a headshot." Umm, right. I being a person who abhors being photographed as a general rule of course have an extensive number of oversized photos of JUST ME in black and white. Nice enough to be suitable for public display. With a border. And my name at the bottom.
I lost three hours of my life yesterday and am now twenty dollars poorer and the picture barely passes.
I repeat: I am not an actor.
posted by A at 4:47 AM
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